It's one of the most popular destinations in the world, but Paris can be intimidating for visitors.
Don't panic.
I've lived here for most of my adult life, I'm French, and I'm here to help. Here are the answers to eight questions you might have when you travel here:
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First: What should I pack in my suitcase?
Don't worry, Parisians only look good in fashion blogs.
You won't see any difference between the girls and the guys. We all dress the same! Parisians only wear black, but if you're a little crazy, you can put on something grey.
Very important: if it's cold, put on a scarf, and if it's hot, put on a scarf too. Then always black trousers or dark blue jeans.
If you see a woman in a skirt, she's probably an expat. If you see a woman in a miniskirt, she's from England.
Never wear sandals with socks. This isn't Germany. So come as you are; your colourful outfit will bring some luck to our city.
Second: Are there many shops in Paris?
In Paris you'll find thousands of shops.
The most famous shopping districts are the Champs-Elysees, Chatelet, Saint-Germain-des-Pres and Montparnasse, but don't expect good service.
When you walk in, never say bonjour, because the salespeople will think you've lost your mind. Don't count on any help from the sales assistants; they'd sooner update their Facebook status than help you.
If you ask a sales assistant whether a dress suits you, don't be surprised if they tell you that you look like a chicken in a condom.
So look for what you need, but also grab six pairs of trousers, seven shirts, 10 pairs of shoes. Head into the fitting room, leave everything on the floor: it's not your job to pick it up. Then walk out of the shop without saying goodbye.
Third: Do a lot of people smoke in Paris?
New York is the Big Apple; Paris is the big ashtray. People smoke everywhere.
If you're old and have asthma, or if you're pregnant, don't even think about complaining. If you don't like cigarette smoke, go somewhere else.
Since 2008, smoking in restaurants has been banned by law, so all the smokers eat outside on the terrace, even in winter.
Parisians would rather catch a cold than be non-smokers. But ever since e-cigarettes came along a few years back, which are allowed in restaurants, the smokers have had their revenge.
Nicotine addicts always win the game in Paris.
Fourth: Will I find a French lover in Paris?
Of course, plenty of Parisians are on the lookout for a tourist or an expat as a lover. There are a few things you need to know before you start a relationship.
In Paris, if you're looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it's worth remembering that you don't need to go on dates, since we have no time to waste. If someone looks at you and smiles, it means you've got a huge opportunity.
If a Parisian invites you back to their place for one last drink, be careful, because in Paris one last drink means only one thing. So don't be silly and never say, "Oh, thanks, I'm thirsty."
Fifth: Is there a metro in Paris?
But of course we have a metro!
For a few cents, you'll discover the smell of the Paris metro: a mix of sweat, garlic, onion and urine. So romantic!
If you get on the metro in a good mood, you'll get off with the urge to kill someone.
At the metro station you need to walk fast, otherwise you'll hear a Parisian shouting, "Rrrrrrrrrr, but this is impossible!"
If you get lost, don't even think about asking a Parisian for directions, because they'll tell you "non merci" or give you the wrong advice. Why? Because they think it's funny.
Sixth: Is it easy to get into a trendy Parisian nightclub?
Honestly, it's an absolute nightmare to get in, unless you're known as a big spender.
If you're a woman and the door staff think you look sexy, you'll definitely get inside. For the guys it's a bit trickier.
If you show up alone, the bouncer will tell you that you have to be a regular to get in, which is a nice way of telling you that you look like crap.
The best way to get inside is to ask to join a group of women. If you want a good night out, go to a nice pub. You'll be surrounded by people from the provinces, but at least you'll have fun.
Seventh: Will I eat gourmet food in Paris?
Oh, Paris, the best food in the world: frog legs, snails, rabbit. Enough with the cliches.
We don't eat dishes like that; only farmers from the provinces do.
Parisians eat Caesar salads, beef tartare and burgers.
Avoid the restaurants near the tourist attractions, otherwise you'll be eating frozen food reheated in the microwave.
As for the service, again, don't expect to be treated like royalty. Be ready to wait at least 10 minutes before you see a waiter for the first time. If you complain about the slow service, the waiter will tell you he's only got two hands.
A waiter will never become your best friend, unless you leave a huge tip.
The best advice is to buy a crispy French baguette, still warm from the bakery, a good piece of pate or sausage from the local supermarket, a nice bottle of wine, and enjoy a picnic in front of the Seine: that's the real Paris.
Eighth: Do Parisians speak English?
We speak a little English, or at least we try.
Every French person has sat through at least 10 years of English lessons, but our English teachers speak with a strong French accent, so when foreigners talk to us, we don't really understand.
So speak very slowly, clearly, use simple words and talk with your hands.
Before your trip to Paris, I recommend learning a few French words, but don't bother with polite phrases like bonjour, au revoir, please or excuse me: we never use them.
I hope these answers help you.
We can't wait to see you in our beautiful city. Ooh la la, Paris, I love you...
Olivier Giraud was born in Bordeaux, France, in 1977 and moved to Paris when he was 18. He later worked as a restaurant manager in Florida before returning to Paris to become a stand-up comedian. He has performed his show "How to Become a Parisian in One Hour" in front of more than 500,000 people.
