If you look like a tourist, it could cost you money and dignity.
If you look like a local, it could expose you to even more grief.
Read our survival guide, find the happy medium, and keep your dignity intact.
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Getting Around
Travelling around Britain is relatively straightforward.
Yes, they drive on the left, but don't panic. Most of the roads are so narrow it hardly matters which side you're on.
Be prepared for journeys of more than 20 miles.
This can turn into an epic ordeal on Britain's congested motorways, but the agony of the traffic jams is more than made up for by road signs pointing to places with names like Ramsbottom, Throcking, and Goole.
Britain has an extensive and efficient rail network that grinds to a halt only when the weather turns hot, cold, wet, or dry.
Tickets are expensive, but you can find cheap fares by booking eight or nine years before you travel.
Try this: The overnight Night Riviera train from London to Penzance, followed by a drive or hike around the stunning Cornish coastline.
The Climate
Britain does get warm days, but you know you're in a damp country when the faintest hint of sunshine makes front-page news.
Britain has four seasons, and while the transitions between them can be pleasant, each one is usually just as wet, grey, and cold as the last.
The British consider all of them "ice-cream weather".
Whatever the climate throws at you, be ready for endless conversations about it.
These conversations needn't be boring, because, like the Inuit with snow, the British have an impressive vocabulary for rain.
If you hear the word "mizzle", it probably means light drizzle. Or, possibly, a low-grade Snoop Dogg track.
Try this: The Royal Botanic Gardens. Dazzling spring and autumn displays, but enough glasshouses to shelter from the worst of the weather (Kew, Richmond, London).
The Royal Family
Don't be fooled by "Downton Abbey". Britain has come a long way since the days when ordinary people were awed by the aristocracy.
This is a modern country where everyone is born equal and social rewards are based on merit.
That's why so few Britons could be bothered to turn up when a blue-blooded lad married his sweetheart in 2011.
That's why almost no one noticed when she gave birth a couple of years later.
And that's exactly why nobody paid any attention when his ginger brother stripped off in Vegas.
All right, none of that is true. The British are just as captivated by their royal family as you are.
And they're ready to sell you a Wills and Kate souvenir tea towel with matching oven gloves to prove it.
Try this: Windsor Castle. The sprawling royal residence west of London, where you can sometimes spot Queen Elizabeth II in her natural habitat (Windsor).
History
Britain has so many ancient landmarks that it's hard to know where to start.
And if you somehow manage to visit every historically significant site, archaeologists will simply dig up the bones of yet another 15th-century king from beneath a car park, just to spite you.
But since some Britons are aware of only two key dates, the French invasion of 1066 and England's World Cup win 900 years later, you don't have to try too hard to catch up.
Try visiting the northern city of York, where you can immerse yourself in 2,000 years of British history in a single place.
Or Bath, where you can do the same and soak in a pleasant thermal bath while you're at it (Hot Bath Street, Bath).
Try this: The York Castle Museum. A fascinating and occasionally spooky stroll down Britain's memory lane (York Castle Museum, York).
Tea
Despite the coffee shops on every British street corner, Britain is firmly a tea-drinking nation.
Vast lakes of the fresh brew are consumed every day.
Visitors will notice the near-obligatory presence of a tiny electric jug or kettle in every hotel room.
It'll take four hours to boil half a cup, but for many Britons it's an essential lifeline. They believe there's no crisis that can't be solved with a nice cup of tea and, perhaps, a biscuit.
Certain rituals must be observed when making tea.
Use boiling water and, if you must resort to teabags, always add the milk last.
Failing to do so will cause such stress that another cup of tea may be needed to calm everyone down again.
Try this: For a refined afternoon tea, try Fortnum & Mason (181 Piccadilly, London). For something ordinary, head to the Regency Café (17-19 Regency Street, London).
The Language
Even if you speak fluent English, you may find yourself struggling with the language in Britain.
Regional dialects vary dramatically within a few miles, causing confusion even among the locals.
If you can't understand what a Briton is saying, it's safe to assume it's either a) something about the weather (see The Climate, above), or b) an apology.
The British love to apologise: they're sorry to bother you, sorry they can't be more helpful, sorry about the rain, and sorry they invaded your country in 1762, or whenever it was.
They also love to apologise when it isn't even their fault: they're sorry you bumped into them, sorry you knocked them off their feet, and sorry you keep hitting them over the head and telling them to stop apologising.
But be warned, it's contagious.
Try this: Glasgow. Scotland's second city, rumoured to be the friendliest in Britain. Perhaps it's the impenetrable accents. Or the dreadful weather.
The Food
Britain's bland national diet has been revolutionised by South Asian migrants, whose spicy dishes are now firm favourites sold on every high street.
Meanwhile, pubs that once fed their customers on dismal sandwiches are now studded with Michelin stars.
But don't be fooled.
They may pretend to love fine dining, but when on the move, many Britons still prefer to stuff their faces with offal and saturated fat.
Few journeys are made within the United Kingdom that aren't fuelled by sausage rolls, Cornish pasties, and Scotch eggs.
Visitors worried by the sight of greasy meat should also be warned about three words that will strike fear, if not full-blown cardiac arrest, into their hearts: Full. English. Breakfast.
Try this: Excellent offal-based food at St. John Bar and Restaurant (St. John Street, London). For something middling: any branch of the Greggs bakery.
Television
Be sure to make time on your travels to watch a few hours of British television, but don't look for the polished period dramas that export so easily to other countries.
Where British TV excels is in celebrating the lives of ordinary, dare we say dull, citizens.
Britain's three most popular soap operas focus not on the beautiful or the damned, but on ordinary people going about everyday tasks, such as buying cheese, arguing over pottery, or tending to their farms.
Speaking of farms, every spring since 2010 British television has devoted countless prime-time hours to one of the greatest reality shows ever conceived: a live broadcast of the annual lambing season. Keep up with that one, Kardashians!
Try this: A tour of the locations from the British soap opera "Emmerdale", complete with sheep: dull plots, breathtaking scenery (Brit Movie Tours).
