London, already 2,000 years old and home to more than 300 languages, can be a daunting prospect for a tourist. But it is entirely possible to spend time in London without looking or feeling out of place.
All you have to do is follow our 10 tips for experiencing London like a local:
How to enjoy culture
London is home to some of the finest art galleries, theatres and historic sites in the world. To be a real Londoner, you must ignore them completely. A stroll through Tate Modern or the Natural History Museum is strictly for tourists. Locals know these places exist, fully intend to visit one day, and somehow never quite get around to it.
Partner links: booking through them supports the blog at no extra cost to you.
Instead, true Londoners believe the best way to get acquainted with the rich culture their city has to offer is to leaf through the listings pages of a magazine or scroll through Twitter, lazily bookmarking events they know, deep down, they will never actually buy tickets for.
How to maintain a balanced diet
A common misconception among newcomers is that an evening out in London involves food. Failing to prepare for this can lead to dizziness, nausea and kebabs.
If someone suggests going for a drink after work, they mean a drink and nothing more. Drinks will be bought in large quantities, and the question of dinner will never rear its ugly head. To avoid a woozy stagger home via a frightening fast-food joint, the sensible socialite takes dietary precautions.
It is acceptable to order pre-packaged bar snacks such as crisps (potato chips) or peanuts to soak up some of the alcohol. Alternatively, try ordering drinks with a little nutritional value, such as a pint of London Pride or a cocktail with an olive in it.
In some bars you may see something called "pork scratchings" for sale. This is not for you.
How to talk
Forget rhyming Cockney slang. Almost no one outside of Disney films talks about climbing the "apples and pears" or the "dog and bone." Try it, and you will be laughed out of the boozer, or, as Londoners call it, the pub.
The secret to blending in with the locals lies entirely in the use of a single word: "innit," a colloquial abbreviation of "isn't it?"
Oddly enough, although "innit" implies a question, this uniquely London method of punctuating sentences is a purely rhetorical device.
Thus, "time for a drink, innit?" is wrong, but "I've had four pints and skipped dinner, innit" is grammatically perfect.
How to shop
Of course, you could follow the crowds down Oxford Street in search of designer labels at Selfridges or cheap fashion at Topshop. You could even wander the hipster districts of the East End looking for something cool and retro.
But when they are not shopping online, most Londoners know there is really only one place to shop: Paris.
How to cross the river
Simply use one of the many bridges over the Thames, right? Wrong!
A true Londoner does not cross the river unless forced to by violence, employment or the lure of alcohol. Only bad things lie on the other side.
South (pronounced "Sarf") Londoners stay in the south, and North Londoners stay in the north. The river that divides them might as well be a chasm as deep and dazzling as the Grand Canyon. A long-distance relationship linking lovers in Stuttgart and Seoul has a better chance of lasting than one between a couple separated by the mighty Thames.
How to avoid chuggers
It is well known that in London you are never more than a metre from a rat. The same can be said of "chuggers," or charity muggers.
Chuggers lurk on most of the city's streets. There they try to persuade unsuspecting citizens to sign away their money, wearing them down with relentless enthusiasm and friendliness. It is all perfectly legal, and most of your money will go to a good cause, but if you give in to every one of them, you will be penniless by the time you reach the pub.
Most Londoners have developed evasion techniques to avoid being trapped by the cheerful hasslers. The best trick is to pretend you are not a Londoner. If you do not hold a British bank account, you are safe from theft.
How to get close to strangers
When you are not being hassled, London can be a lonely city. Locals tend to move around in impenetrable groups, which makes striking up a friendship difficult.
Anyone craving human contact should head into the depths of the Tube, London's underground railway system, at rush hour. This is when passengers are packed into the train carriages like a human version of Tetris. Every possible space is filled. Bodies press against bodies. Limbs entwine with limbs.
Despite the intimacy of these encounters (some marriages never reach the level of physical contact typical of the Underground), an important rule of Tube etiquette is to never acknowledge them.
So even if you find a stranger accidentally wedged into crevices of your body you did not even know existed, under no circumstances should you make eye contact.
How to survive the night bus
The Night Tube may exist now, but the night bus remains an unlikely London icon.
For all its crowds, its old-fashioned quirks and its frequent signal failures at obscure stations like High Barnet or Cockfosters, the London Underground is the height of luxury travel compared with the night bus.
Night buses are a last resort: creaking life rafts that carry the survivors of London's suburbs through a treacherous ocean in the pre-dawn hours. Journeys that take 20 minutes by Tube can take up to 48 hours on a night bus. During that time the sun will not rise, and many on board will either perish or get off and walk.
To survive the ordeal, it is vital to stay awake at all costs. Listen to loud music on your iPod, strike up rambling conversations with fellow passengers, or play a game by kicking back an empty vodka bottle as it rolls toward you across the floor.
If you do fall asleep, expect to be woken when the driver cheerfully deposits you at the end of the route, usually a dark alley deep in the countryside.
You are a long way from London now, innit.
You will splash out on a pint
Ah, London, a city where buying a tiny flat costs you more than buying a mansion somewhere else in Britain. Everything is fairly expensive, but once you move here, you will frighten yourself with how quickly you get used to how much money you are willing to spend on a humble pint.
How to survive the summer
Hot weather is never a guarantee in rainy England, so at the first hint of sunshine Londoners will bask in the city's parks, tops off, showing off their sunburn.
The trick to fitting in is to follow their lead.
A sunny spring day? Inexplicably head to the beach (despite the fact that the temperature barely reaches the 70s) and organise a barbecue or picnic as fast as possible. Brag about your tan the next day and eagerly await the next heatwave, roughly a year from now.
Editor's note: this article was originally published in 2012. It was reformatted, updated and republished in 2017.
